[US] Korey's Lore Request

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I'm willing to approve this as-is but I do have to say that I find it a bit lackluster at the final doc, it kinda reads like a telegram when it gets to the bio portion.

"Investigations into allegations regarding illegal and experimental total brain transplants are ongoing and have thus far been inconclusive. Investigations into a morphine addiction have also been inconclusive. This is also around the time Korey came into contact with Samantha Capsicum, otherwise known as Sammy Peppers. A friendship was established between the two after numerous life or death situations experienced together."

I wouldn't expect you to treat this like English class and this isn't necessarily horrible, but my recommendation is to rework that a bit so that it doesnt feel so jittery.
 
Harold Hawks said:
I'm willing to approve this as-is but I do have to say that I find it a bit lackluster at the final doc, it kinda reads like a telegram when it gets to the bio portion.

"Investigations into allegations regarding illegal and experimental total brain transplants are ongoing and have thus far been inconclusive. Investigations into a morphine addiction have also been inconclusive. This is also around the time Korey came into contact with Samantha Capsicum, otherwise known as Sammy Peppers. A friendship was established between the two after numerous life or death situations experienced together."

I wouldn't expect you to treat this like English class and this isn't necessarily horrible, but my recommendation is to rework that a bit so that it doesnt feel so jittery.
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Hey, I love feedback in the stuff I write. It's all good. I actually sent this to a few people to get feedback on it before I posted it, but I guess I missed something lol.

You're free to DM me anytime with feedback and stuff like that. I'll look into the Jittery thing at some point.

As for the telegram part, It's meant to be a proper Dossier file. Kind of like how the CL4 on the server have to get one done so its supposed to read like that. If you've ever looked at our dossier files in the server, this is about what they look like.
 
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